Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Desire and Gifting

Living at home can be difficult. Especially when you have a younger brother blossoming into a man. Welcome the teenage explosion. He's emotional, rebellious, arrogant, lazy, stubborn, messy, and experimental. He's my little brother and I love him. He's behind on subjects in school, caught smoking and with unmentionables. He's gullible, will just as quickly (and attempts to) dilute his senses with a myriad of substances. He's full of muffed brilliance... and before I say it, let me question it- what is brilliance? 


How valuable of an asset is potential, gifting, or brilliance? When you add all the pluses and minuses, the positives and negatives, and weigh the probabilities, potential comes out to a broken mirror. I know I'm rambling, it's most of what I say / think / do / write. But bear with me. 


There is:


Gifting and Desire


1 [ Gifting ] As with the given traits-

(that which makes you who you are)


Conscious gifting / brilliance

- prone to either utilizing or purposefully denying

Unconscious gifting / brilliance

- secretly aids success, or a forgotten waste

 and


2 [ Desire ] your own personality morphing and molding - 

(that which you make who you are)


Advantageous use of gifting

- what your momma told you to do

Self cultivated skills in areas gifting is absent or lacking

- you have strong desires


So in these two areas - that which you have been given [Gifting, we shall say 1] and that which you get [Desire we shall call 2]- 


Number 1 does not really play into EFFECT unless applied in Number 2. To lack fully in Number 2 (desire), you can consider Number 1 null, and it simply and only applies as a gray shading by which your form is colored. Therefore, a blundering fool! 


Looking at myself, I can see, yea, gifting, as does each and every person in a various way (that's the half that makes someone unique- that God swept down his hand and gave them each little person on earth a little sumpin' sumpin' special)- but really a lack of cultivated worthiness in number 2. 


So have this mentality amongst yourselves- forget Number 1 (gifting)- resist using it as a means of comfort or reason for contempt or laziness. Think only in terms of Number 2 (desire) and follow it heartily and with energetic curiosity. What number 1 can apply to in number 2 will happen naturally- that follows, and leave it be to be as it may. 


Therefore, once you can achieve a balance of the two - you being a person that you have made yourself from desire, and that you yourself are unique with the varying birthmark of tendency and brilliance, you can focus on making number 1 play more and more with cultivating number 2. Think of number 2 as a method to grow a garden (number 1) to it's full potential. or just a good enough. 


Will you be a better person? Not really. What is it that makes someone "better" anyways....? But you will have your signature on your own body. Not that of genes, the color of your hair, or the way you squint. You will have played the hand of God, and your back will straighten. 


you will know your limits and your soul, and in knowing yourself better - to exhaust yourself of the "mystery" of you (and those talents that you once used to regard highly of yourself), you will reach the road and realize it isn't that long- that is you are just a simple person- with pluses and minuses and not a great potential aurora. you will be simple and yet wise, quiet and yet loud, in that the truths that you find will play a more profound effect on what you do and how you think. 


So to number 1- don't leave it as a muddle: don't weave emotion to rank yourself, nurse yourself, appease yourself, muse yourself.... Seek to see things as they are. Have desires and blind yourself to noticing the given. Have independence in thought - an explosion of something entirely new and you.... and yes, rambling, again... :)


Know thyself. 





Thursday, April 10, 2008

it's kinda scary how my new meds look like the blue pills Sara Goldfarb took on requiem for a dream. 



i can't stand to have anything around my neck, i really can't. i can't wear necklaces or anything

and i don't like touching my throat. 

yesterday a doctor was asking me questions to see if i had an eating disorder- i have some strange regurgitation issue- but the thing is, i can never have one- if it is bulimia related: i once tried to throw up, so that i knew what to do quickly if i consumed poison, etc

but i couldn't! i couldn't stand the feeling of touching the back of my throat. i'm a wuss. well, i read that there is a way to diminish your gag reflex. which would be cool. but i don't think i could handle such a maneuver. 

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

cm lie love and terror cult combination poem

look at your game girl, 

know it well like the back of your hand

you might find you have an ego

greater than the mechanical man

people say i'm no good

but don't worry about me

i always find that

home is where you're happy

you're not happy where you not free

don't go to arkansas tonight

i promise i'll never say never to always

don't end up in a garbage dump

by doing something illegal

if you go to that slick city, 

you might just cease to exist

if you do go there..

find the big iron door

there i was knew a man... with the eyes of a dreamer


Sunday, April 06, 2008

rough recordation of travels... in writing

My Travels: each and every of my trips are out of the ordinary and take a little more creativity, nerve and guts then the tpically comfortable route of the american tourist


so here it is: the travels of i


the world as my backyard


chapter 1: backpacking in bermuda


so the initial plan was london. stewarts fam was this time around situated in the grand ole uk and it only took a 20 mile hiking trip to come to the idea for spring break. 


it was... not called for- you know, the usual conversation college students engage in, places they want to go, countries to visit, cool people of places met, etc


i had driven out from gaithersburg md to purcellville, va, about an hour's drive for a long day hike on the AT. we were going to start at Raven's Rock and make north for harper's ferry, come home and make a meal or something. it was tim raveling, sophomore at patrick henry college and stewart lundy, a junior, also at phc. i had done this hike 3 or more times with tim and other phc students before. i was a little apprehensive- it had been more than 6 months when i last hiked more then 15 miles. i was a little late, even though i left home early, but we did eventually set of on a decently overcast morn around 9:30am. we walked. that's it. and while walking, talked. about the current status of our lives, school, people we know, music, movie, books, and history, and things we wanted to do and see and places we wanted to go to, life after college, careers, etc. aka, the typical conversation. 


blast. geez, their shower was dirty. but it felt good to be clean after hiking up 18 miles of grime. it was an icy then muddy walk, various landmarks laid out etch a sketch my year before at phc. good times. 


tim was making dinner - it smelled good and i think i picked to often at the red onions simmering in the jack daniel's sauce


stewart... or was it tim? sat up and said, 'what if we just... go somewhere for spring break?' stewart wanted to go to ethiopia. the laptops before us said no- ticket prices to africa were hefty. we tried asia. the same. europe? tickets to the uk were not too bad. "we could hike hadrian's wall" stewart i swear almost giggled at showing up on his parents doorstep during spring break, what a surprise that would be. dublin? irish pubs, hell yea! but still we were looking at around $500 per person. then, us, n our innocent youth, derived NOT to purchase any tickets whatsoever, but the moment class got out, head over to the local airport in the morning and demand to be sent out of the country, (with fingers crossed for great britain.) it was february? middle of the month i recollect. 


in the next few weeks i tried to keep my excitement and plans on the down low, telling nobody. i requested off work for that time, with the excuse that i was probably going caving in west virginia ( i have never been caving). in my mind, i laughed silently at my insanity. we were 3 poor college students, deliberately choosing NOT to plan! it was madness, and brilliance! i had no idea AT ALL what would happen during spring break, or even more importantly where the hell we were going. it was comfort to me, and carried me through- dropping all my classes- one which i dropped by accident, and it occupied my thoughts, even when i got to go rock climbing outside, something that i rarely get to do. yet i was crazed, silent, smiling, imaginative. it could have easily gone nowhere. and that's what we thought when


one bright morning, the 19th of march, i asked my mother to take me to dulles airport in sterling. the coolant pipe in my car had broken off, causing coolant to drain from my car, and causing the engine to overheat within 30 minutes of running. so i was screwed, especially looking into the cost of fixing it- i had to buy another coolant tank, running around $300 for the part itself. i doubted i could install it myself, but when you're broke, that's kinda what you have to do- scrounge around for tools in the house, and utilize to the maximum the powers of google and internet car repair forums. at the time i needed to fix my car, which had just broken a few days before spring break, i had almost no money in the bank, probably about $200 with all my accounts combined. so i loaned 200$ from my parents, and crossed my fingers. the night before the drive to the airport, i had fled scuba class because i had left my bathing suit at home and was also tired from a long shift at work. all in all, i was a broke quitter, hiding from everything important. if i didn't go on this trip, which i had knowingly no idea what it held i knew things could blow up for me, i was due and ripe for disaster. so the break was also going to be for me a flee, an escape from responsibility and necessity. good. 


it was early and cold! i was glad i brought a wind shell. all i had packed up was in a 40 liter backpack on my back. i also brought running shoes and a digital SLR camera. so i felt a little shamed when i saw that tim and stewart had packed much less. it was a day ago that i talked to tim on the phone and he told me that max shrumpf, their roommate decided he was coming too. i didn't tell my parents that i was planning to flee the country with three boys. oh well. it just sounded strange, i knew each one of them was fine and cool. still, it felt a little strange. 


with packs strapped on our back, tim, stewart, and i entered the dulles airport. apparently max was still awaiting the arrival of his passport and didn't come this time. 


it was awkward at first, but after the first try, it got easier. 


"Hi.... we're basically 3 poor college students who want to fly out of the country for spring break."... "um specifically? the uk we hope... oh. okay. thanks. bye." 


the airport was filling up. we were there at how early? 8 or 9 am. not too early. it was bustling. there were no tickets to be found. instead, most desk attendants at the various airlines, advised us against what we were doing- or rather the method of it. the internet, the commended to us. sigh. back to square one. 


but another hole to crawl through was found - airline 1-800 numbers. from jet blue to taca to united airways there were 3 various youth buzzing of by windows with packs, requesting to be sent anywhere. 


i called taca. an airline like ... taco. apparently they only had flights going out to countries in south america. and all the tickets to south american countries were gone. PROOF of the vast amounts of illegal immigrants in the US the freaking airline sells out! 


then tim called jetblue again. rebecca? the name of the phone attendant...? she found tickets to a place called bermuda, for 525 dollars, leaving in 3 days on sunday, tim cupped a hand over his cell, and called out to stewart and i. all that went through my mind was a book when i was ten or twelve. it was about the bermuda triangle, a mysterious whirlpool that swallowed up ships and sea worthy vessals. it's out there in the carribean, said tim. okay, i'm in i said after maybe 2 thoughts - the recollection of the book and the color of the water there. 


525$ is a lot of money to pay for a plane ticket. but then again, it's not the death. at $500, the ticket beckoned to me, it's vitality. it wasn't a $500 ticket to puerto rico or costa rica. it was "bermuda" to me an island aligned with scientific mystery. excitement is worth $500. i could survive $500. yea... yea, i could! 


about bermuda


the plan to survive


showing up at the airport


losing my cell phone


bursting out in the rain: the moment we landing in bermuda, i unbuckled and popped up. i was excited and wanted out. i looked up the window, already i knew it was stormy and at a minimum raining. we had experienced turbulence on the way in. ii put on my raincoat, caught a breath and with a heave pulled my pack over my back and buckled up, bursting out of the plane in the pouring rain. it was warm, not hot, not cold. nyc was cold. sterling was windy. bermuda was warmish. and rainy. as we entered the terminal, we walked by a middle-aged native man, set up by tourists i love you and your money, wearing a hawaiian shirt, and playing jolly ole island music on a small guitar. the americans before and behind me were happy by this show of hospitality. we checked out, all of us passing through customs, lying through the teeth that we planned to reside at "aunt nia's inn"  we exited the airport and taxi drivers hailed us, trying to get us to enter their miniature vans. a lively elderly black man succeeded in apprehending us and led us across the street to his vehicle. he had a strong british accent and his car played island music from the 1950's. "where to?" "are you heading to St. George?" "what hotel" "where in st. george do you want to go?" "are you going to st. george's club?"


"uh... sure" said stewart, not sure what he was saying sure to. so the taxi drive took us away from the airport, across a bridge, to a little hotel / cottages in the town of st. george, called st. george's club. max went inside and got maps. it just hit me now, that i never entered the hotel the taxi took us to. i just waited outside each and every time we found ourselves there. 


every time we passed a cluster of loitering happy locals, i kept thinking of the lines in the jack johnson song, holes to heaven, the part when they sweet talked local officials and bribed them with cigarettes and booze. and after a trip to one of the many many liqueur shops within the second day, during stewart and max bought aged bacardi rum, the words were quite fitting, as we found havens from the weather around the island, in trails and on the beaches, with obvious markings of local hangouts- many butts and bottles, and cartons for seats. tim carries tobbaco, paper, pipes, and pipe tobacco, max a variety of cigarettes, and every time we sat for a bit we brought out the rum and the tobacco. we didn't carry food, just the essentials, as you can see. 


...tbc. 


i'm going to finish reading candide today. i wanted to be back on the beach, napping in the suN!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

to the new day

today is the day i change my life

today is the day i start afresh

you're pulse is a rhythm 

it makes me quick

stand up take a hit

stand up take hits

you walk down the street 

the sun all around

we glow now

hold down the tongue

i move my throat 

because i shake it off now

riff of red rafters

hiding the birds

can't be long now

soft and warm

weathered and worn

two bends i hang on tight now

i guess it's a bet i made

i guess it's my life i gave

my fingers are red

eyes flying up

fight the revolution in my stomach

fight the brightness of the sun

with the power of the squint

i move past frozen gimmicks

toward the night

hi and find you 

i hope

Thursday, April 03, 2008

let us put away what was never there

the part of me that has changed is that i longer put up with my own bullshit. that is. pure crap, aggressively pursued. i used to be nice to my heart, to lie to my soul and keep dibs with those who i have and should have nothing in common with, me with them, or i with them. and usually they pursue a real illusion, and i a false truth, in order to continue knowing each other. so i have put away with that bullshit. my heart is calm when i ignore phone calls and voice mails and emails. we are through and the time that you thought were weren't well i'm just sorry for leading you on. i didn't really think about what i was doing until now. and i know that to be nobler i must put away the bullshit: the kindest thing i can do is to be a blank stare and an empty chair, say I was never supposed to be there in the first place and the least i can do is disappear. same as to you to me if needs be. i won't ponder what you must walk through. but it's happened to me and i am thus quelmed with respect for honesty and the proper placement of the silence of the past. that is where i'd like to be. gone for good. 


i have ten blank stares for the weather 

ten blank stares from me today

ten for me and none for you. 

well. ten for you and inside there is a storm of me, 

but even steal a glance- i'd never give it away. 


livid i take it you've lived through hell, 

coming up by strides you don't mean to waste the ground

i see in hands clasped in grips you carry something 

of nothing to you and everything to everyone

like spittle the afterspray a careless cough the window scattered water sparks

it's gray and 4pm the general haze of the day. 

when with the winter pulls i'm sighed, sad and sorry

the belly of the day heaves and gives forth

a pregnant soul and desolute mind

the rythm of the ethereal

the eye of the smaller then you and me

eyesore

candy is a displeasure to the king

he sings of high and lows and how you must be _


if there was only something that was real we'd be fighting for at least a cause. 

I'm not really concerned on the content or whether in thoughts it's the right or the wrong or the naive or the stupid to fight for i just want to give a bout of passion for something to push myself forth and make a tiny dent or a scratch. the uncouth youth you read about the assassinate and are bewitched by aged evils and selfish sinisters and overaged idealists that candor at ease great terror, mass killings, and protests of stupid gains. that's where i'd like to be. possibly if the cause has no soul or real merit the passion, will be purer because that's all there is. it will be harder for me to sustain a passion in something that is not valid and does not test through. therefore i would have to fight within myself to show all the passion i can. i will be resorted to a daily and difficult struggle: to create a pure and sole passion for something that is blatantly not worth fighting for or against. the meaningless screams and rants and shouts and the consummation of human energy, i want to propel myself towards aging, i want to propel myself to whatever is next, the sun or death, the moon or the sand. 


so here is my challenge today: yes shallow as they may be. to learn more words, to read a book, and to tear the muscles in my stomach. 


Wednesday, April 02, 2008

so much like rivers is HE

because of this. or rather the aspect of it. it in a model functions to flow. 

The love of God is impossible. Yet on it flows, transcending and changing everything in its path. I find my heart ever heavy on thought and empty shallow and hungover when not. A continual hum- that of being awake and breathing sharply, and that of being dead to all i hold dear. i hate this swinging pendulum, this me.