life is not square

It doesn’t make sense how people you know for so long to be the walls of your house fall away. Walls hold up the house of my life. What I don’t understand is how people you know won’t go away… can’t go away… and then

they do. They gave you something. You were gonna give back. You knew what you were gonna give back. You had it and you were gonna give it back sometime or another. But you never thought it was important to do it right away. And then they maybe think that you don’t care about their love and it sucks cause that’s all that they had left and used it up. That love that they gave you was pure | loud | honest | desperate. Maybe they think that you didn’t even notice/didn’t care.

You took something of theirs. You never gave back. They had run out. They had nothing left.

you will never see them again.
you will never give back their love
for ETERNITY you will not see them and eternity is quite a long time.

THEY’RE IN HELL

It just doesn’t make sense.

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Truth ≠ Reason


faith to truth…

i just realized who i wanted to be all my life.

the most selfless person ever (for selfish reasons)

- lily

i'm at a loss of words and it's not really like i can put the two and two together so what's the point. my life is a reflection of drudgery, rejection of reliance in God, and sheer exhaustion. most of what i struggle with is what i do to myself not what others may do.

so i'm saying this now. it's from the inside that i fight against a waging rush that pours into my mouth and chokes and the rocks are covered with moss and when i do lose my grip and slip even further i get whacked on the rock behind me and it hurts as i feel like i am being pulled down - slipping / twisting / falling / to where i first begun on the "ladder"

it's not true but that's how i see it - a ladder where it starts when i decided to be godly. can i do that? no.

it's not about climbing up against rungs to fall again

it's about Him

and it's just a tad more than i can take

but i need him

for basics

God please help me now.