ilc

i'm at a loss of words and it's not really like i can put the two and two together so what's the point. my life is a reflection of drudgery, rejection of reliance in God, and sheer exhaustion. most of what i struggle with is what i do to myself not what others may do.

so i'm saying this now. it's from the inside that i fight against a waging rush that pours into my mouth and chokes and the rocks are covered with moss and when i do lose my grip and slip even further i get whacked on the rock behind me and it hurts as i feel like i am being pulled down - slipping / twisting / falling / to where i first begun on the "ladder"

it's not true but that's how i see it - a ladder where it starts when i decided to be godly. can i do that? no.

it's not about climbing up against rungs to fall again

it's about Him

and it's just a tad more than i can take

but i need him

for basics

God please help me now.